2nd or 4th rock from the Sun?

I have been in the midst of a mental round-robin for the topic of this particular entry. I wanted to talk about relationships and gender issues associated with cultural expectation, but it wound up sounding like a bad conversation between a pessimist and a hippie. In essence I think the conclusion I have come to is that there is still a whispered expectation of the 1950s gender roles. In some places it’s not so much a whispered expectation as a club over the head, but still I thought there are probably some people who could read that and disagree entirely.

So when I got to the conclusion that there are members of both the male and female genders who display like qualities (i.e., jealous whiney men and dominating controlling women), I was left with a looming question.

So what?

So what, if there are women who check their husbands phones, or that there are men who constantly accuse their wives of cheating? The problem is not in the expectation of the gender roles but in the action itself. And then BAM! I had an epiphany. There is no point in trying to associate behavior with gender. There is no rule without exception, and no point to be made without severe and debilitating argument. There is however a point in discussing the way people treat each other. I’ll give you a simple common scenario:

Mr Green, with the revolver, in the conservatory…

No, no, no… not that type of scenario! (Silly SNES Clue, oh how I love you). To keep the focus off of the gender roles we’ll call the two people in this scenario Person A and Person B.

Person A wants Person B to wash the dishes. Person B wants to relax after a long day at work.

Person A flies into a tirade about how Person B is lazy, can’t possibly truly love them, and belittles them to their core. Person B sits in consternation at how crazy the other person is.

Now, it does not matter who in this scenario is one gender or the other. The problem is the communication between the two. People talk to others like this all the time, they scream, yell, intimidate, manipulate, lie, cheat, and do a million other horrible things to each other. It doesn’t exist just between spouses; it exists in the workplace, in public, between friends or even complete strangers.

One thing that I have learned in my miniscule 3 ½ years of marriage is this. It’s not that you will never understand each other because you have different social conditioning and different physiology. If you take the time to learn how to communicate with each other so many arguments can be avoided. It’s not about never saying no to the people you respect, but it’s not rolling over their faces with a Mack truck either.

Believe it or not this was a novel idea when I heard a friend of mine say it a few years ago. “No one has the right to yell at me.” Whether you’re the yeller or the person being yelled at, you can take something from this. It’s more than the golden rule; it’s about having a good heart and a good soul. And that should transcend all societal expectations, gender roles or rules, marital habits, or public situations. From there one can build a foundation for everything from self-esteem to a happy marriage. So I encourage you, let your crazy out. Feel what you feel, but learn to convey it in a way that someone can hear you. Because then you can leave a situation of strife with integrity: having won because you learned, not because you beat the will out of your opponent.